ive had a change of heart. i dont want to go. i will go but i dont want too. not today. tomorrow will be different. i think things are different to how they are because i make them up in my head and something will happen and it throws me right back to reality.
I have been overwhelmed the last few days. my friends have suprised me. first i hear randomly from jeackson the boy that never was and he invites me to the landmark hotel to listen to him play jazz on a piano under a big palm tree - he will be wearing a tux and i will be feeling out of my depth. i cant go. so he invites me to hackney to his new house and im going. first day off i get im off to see him. after such a long time. today josh emailed me and it made me so happy i cant stop smileing. sometimes you meet people and you dont think you make any impact on there life- you feel like your probablly just in the background- and then you realise that, yeah, you might have made a little more of an impression than you thought. its suprisingly nice when you feel you havent wasted time worrying, missing and thinking of them.its like that jeffrey lewis song about him meeting a girl outside the chelsea hotel and them talking for a few moments about leonard cohen and then writes a song about it and at the end he says 'next time your feeling kind of lonesome and blue- just think that someone somewhere- might be singing about you' ... not that anyones been singing about me but people have been thinking of me. and thats more than just as good.
im tired and work is a drag. nothing changes and nothing moves. im off to annoy kids on the internet- what fun!
xx